Razzy’s Rat Gang – But, 3 First-Round Picks!
two wins in fourteen
and he beat the champ one time
but he’s still the worst
3 Best Assets: T.Y. Hilton, Brandin Cooks, C.J. Anderson
Biggest Need(s): Unlimited
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Cardale Jones, QB, Ohio State
1st & 2nd Round Picks: (#1, #4, #6, #9)
To say the Rat Gang had a rough 2014 would be an understatement. Some may call it sucking, some may call it tanking. Regardless of the designation one wishes to assign to his 2014 campaign, one way or another it’ll all say the same thing…bad. When your final roster at the end of the year has both Josh Gordon and Ray Rice, something ain’t right.
It is not all doom and gloom for The Gang, however. Fear not, my friends. Rat’s Gang has three first round picks. Not one, not two, but THREE! This ship’s setting a course for a new direction, and these picks will set the sails for fantasy-destiny.
Three picks in the first round is great, but there’s more holes in this team than Swiss cheese. It’s too easy to poke fun at this team, so I’ll spare you. But on the real, there’s some decent pieces. Kelvin Benjamin looks to be a up-and-coming WR1, T.Y. Hilton’s value is undeniable while Luck is chucking him the ball, and I’m not sure what to make of C.J. Anderson. But, that’s about it.
At the end of the day though, there’s an intrinsic problem with Razzy’s Rat Gang…there’s not one, but TWO Afro-American QB’s shouldering the load for this club. Obviously, that spells disaster for any squad, and will ultimately will be the Gang’s demise.
The Popcorn Playa$ – Poor Aaron Rodgers, Relegated to Sucking
poor Aaron Rodgers
greatest QB in the League
stuck bottom feeding
3 Best Assets: Aaron Rodgers, Demarco Murray, Matt Forte
Biggest Need(s): WR, TE
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Devin Funchess, WR/TE, Carolina by way of Michigan
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #2, #10
Last year The Popcorn Playa$ had an opportunity to make a playoff push, but fell flat on their face. Out the gates we saw the Playa$ stumble to 0-2, but then won 5 of 7. A game over .500 and with Playoffs on the mind, TPP lost 4 of 5 and limped to a second-to-last-place finish.
The Playa$ return the 2014 NFL MVP, as well as a two-headed rushing attack of Matt Forte and Demarco Murray. Forte seems to be primed for another big year, but Murray headed to Philly could be a hiccup. He’ll still be really good, but he’s not running behind the second-best line in the NFL anymore.
The major issue with this squad is the WR’s. This WR corps would be the best in the DFFL…if it were 2010. The Playa$ may get by another year with these receivers, but they absolutely have to get younger for sustained success in the future.
AhmadBRUMshaw – Seattle’s D Ain’t Walking Thru That Door
that was really freaking dumb
Ahmad Bradshaw too
3 Best Assets: Demaryius Thomas, Jamaal Charles, Rob Gronkowski
Biggest Need(s): QB, QB, WR
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Roddy White, WR, Atlanta
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #3, #11
Not much to see here for the BrumShaw’s 2015 campaign. Charles, Thomas, and Gronk form a nice one-two-three at the top of this roster, but holy shit, it gets sketchy after that, and fast.
Crumbs ugh! kept a league-low 10 keepers, not surprising given the roster he had to choose from. Here’s a hot-take for you: there’ll be at least one week this year when Ty will struggle to field a team. He’ll get more than one DNP from a guy he deliberately starts.
Brum is in for a tough 2015, and there’s really no way around it for him. Loaded with a bunch of back-end draft picks now, this team is going to be adding mediocre-to-bad players in bunches.
Chin up though, Ty, at least you’ve got an Elite QB in Flacco.
The Donatello – #FreeTB12
AD beats his kid
costs Equalizer playoffs
nogz love kid abuse
3 Best Assets: TB12, Calvin Johnson, Adrian Peterson
Biggest Need(s): A good surgeon, Goodell to free TB12, WR maybe?
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Denard Robinson, RB, Jacksonville
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #12
The Don is quickly starting to field a team similar to an early-90’s Dallas Cowboys team. Dudes are beating their kids, deliberately cheating the game, etc. Rowdy bunch, the Equalizer has.
Michael’s 2014 run was clearly hamstrung by Adrian Peterson switchin’ his boy. Put him back in this lineup, and it’s likely he makes a legit run at the playoffs. A las, he got a whoppin’ 75 yards from the best back in football, for the year.
With a rested, non-suspended AD, The Donatello looked to be a player in the upcoming season. But, again we’ve got a suspension to navigate, this time with TB12. If TB12 gets the Deflategate suspension reduced, things are looking up. Starting Romo wouldn’t be the worst thing, but TB12 on the field is much preferred.
Then there’s the matter of Jordy Nelson’s “significant knee injury” – whatever that means. He gone for the year, and it’ll be tough for Mike to slug back from another blow.
Mike will be one of the few managers not looking to draft a RB in the first round. He can sit back and watch everyone scramble to draft RB’s, and he can take a peak at the WR’s, a luxury we can’t all say.
He’s still got some strong pieces, but suspensions and injuries are crippling this team. This’ll be a make-or-break year for The Donatello. Does he give it the ol’ college try and make a good run at it? Or does he say fuck it, and blow the whole damn thing up? We’ll find out about Week 4.
HeHateMe30 – The Luck Show
strong first year effort
carried by Luck and Beastmode
kinda gross team though
3 Best Assets: Andrew Luck, Andrew Luck, Andrew Luck
Biggest Need(s): Keep Andrew Luck, TE, RB
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Honestly No Clue, Player, NFL Team
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #5, #13
HeHateMe30 may have been new to this league (well, everyone was, kinda), but he started his tenure with a bang. He came out the gates to a 6-0 start in 2014. However, 6-0 was terribly misleading. He was very consistent in his scoring, but not dominant, having never eclipsed 200+ points in any of those victories. Ultimately, this would be his undoing, as he just couldn’t put up the points to run with the big dogs. Finishing a respectable 4th place was good for Young Patrick.
HeHateMe is set up for a good run at the Playoffs this year if some chips fall to his way. He’s got a core of Andrew Luck, Beastmode, and some nice young WR’s in Alshon Jeffery, Sammy Watkins, and DeAndre Hopkins. If he’s able to position some complimentary pieces around that core, Patrick could be a sleeper pick for Playoff contention.
The rumor mill is churning about Pat moving his backup QB, Matty Ice. Should he bolster his run game, and draft well, he could have a nice squad for the foreseeable future.
Whitner Is Coming – Taking Peyton on One Final Ride
Arian is dead,
White Walker Zombie Peyton,
Whitner is Coming
3 Best Assets: Randall Cobb, Dez Bryant, Eddie Lacy
Biggest Need(s): RB, QB
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Javess Blue, WR, Green Bay Packers by way of Kentucky
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #8, (willing to deal for 2nd rounder…)
You could say the 2014 season was a bit of a roller coaster ride for the elder Miller brother, with more highs than lows, but the ride ended just 2.25 points short in the semifinals, at the hands of the Dead Dog. Whitner came and went, along with the offseason, and with them went the feeling in Peyton’s fingertips, apparently. Clearly he’s turning into a White Walker, so perhaps that will work to his advantage in what HAS to be his last season. I wouldn’t want to tackle him.
RB suddenly became a large need for Zachary when Arian Foster went down this preseason, but he has the pieces to still contend. You can build a RB corp around Eddie Lacy, and the trio of Dez/Randall/AJ will either produce, or fetch him a nice return in a trade. He wisely traded for Kelce (good decision, Scooter) last year and is set at TE for the next 8 years, which leaves us with QB. Peyton is going to give it one last go, Stafford is throwing the ball less each year, will they be enough to reach the playoffs again, or does he make a move for a bigger fish? Should be another roller coaster ride of a season.
Willenium Force – The Force is Strong with the WR’s
receivers for days
solid team all season long
laid egg in final
3 Best Assets: Drew Brees, Odell Beckham Jr., Julio Jones
Biggest Need(s): RB, RB, QB
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Mr. Running Back(s), RB, NFL Team
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #7, #15
So here’s the deal with Will’s team in 2014…He had a pretty up and down start to the year, but cranked it up due to some great WR play. Made a good run at the playoffs, but fell short against McGooter.
Will has arguably the best WR corps in the league, especially given their youth. However, as we head into the 2015 season, there’s a MASSIVE hole in this squad…RB.
With keepers now selected, and the draft a few days away, The Force now sits with two RB’s on the roster: Mark Ingram and Shane Vereen. That’s, um, no bueno.
If Willenium wants to be a Force this year (see what I did there?), he’s going to need to improve the RB position, pronto. The problem is, there’s a lot of people that need RB’s, so we’ll see how it goes for Will.
Emmanuel In Space – #GTG
garbage time Grant sucks,
garbage time Grant sucks so much,
garbage time Grant sucks
3 Best Assets: Ben Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell, Antonio Brown
Biggest Need(s): TE, WR
Guaranteed to Draft ___: Someone from Pittsburgh
1st & 2nd Round Picks: #14, #16
When you look at GTG’s best three assets, they are: Ben Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell, and Antonio Brown. Spot a trend there? Yeah, GTG’s Fighting Pittsburgh Steelers Fantasy Squad.
2014 was an odd year for GTG. He started the new league and new season with a bang, to the tune of a 246.46 point opening victory. The next stretch was a wild one. Lost 7 of his next 9, including 5 in a row at one point. However, GTG went bonkers in the last 6 games of the year. Trolled us all for two-thirds of the season, but then cranked it up to the tune of averaging 209.96 his last 6 games.
Everyone knows how this ends, so we’ll stop here.
The 2015 GTG team should be another one contending for the title. It makes me pretty nauseous to type that, but unfortunately that’s the case. In Space’s TE’s are not good, so he could use an upgrade there. The problem is, there’s no real TE’s to draft. Deppen’s best case is to go BPA the whole draft, and he should be just fine. Sucks he doesn’t draft til #14 tho..
Maybe Ben will break his leg? One can dream.